Church consultant, Dick Hardy recently shared an article by Jodi Detrick and Peter Degon on six ways to make sure your church doesn’t grow. I just had to share it. The message is loud and clear!
Sometimes we wonder why our culture generally tends to ignore the established church. There are probably lots of reasons. Most likely, that’s not the intention of a local church (to be ignored). But just in case it is, here is a tongue in cheek look at . . .
1.Make sure people know you’re better than them.
a.Stare at guests during the offering to see if they give.
b.Ask them if they brought their KJV Bible today.
c.Grimace when you smell cigarette smoke on someone and offer them a breath mint.
d.When you see an unexpected person walk through the door, pretend to have a heart attack.
e.Tell people, “I used to dress like that before I was a Christian, too!”
2.The 1950s through the 1970s was a great era . . . stay there!
a.There’s just no other way to kick off a Sunday morning than Opening Exercises!
b.Man looks on the outward appearance, but God wants you to always wear suits and ties.
c.I don’t know about you, but when the figure of Saul fell off his flannelgraph donkey, my life changed!
3.Act one way at church and another way at the grocery store.
a.Yell at your kids all the way to your house of worship, but put on your “church voice” and smile nonstop when you walk through the doors.
b.Preach on generosity but stiff the waitress at lunch after church.
c.Sure, God is love, but those neighbors are really creepy!
d.Memorize Scripture; it comes in handy when you’re screaming at those liberals.
4.When people do visit, make sure they don’t have a clue what you’re doing or talking about.
a.Have greeters tell your guests, “If you get saved, filled with the Spirit, or washed in the blood of the Lamb today, meet our discipleship director in the narthex to discuss the ramifications of your sanctification.”
b.When people ask what the crackers and juice were about, tell them to meet the discipleship director in the narthex to discuss the ramifications of their sanctification.
c.Don’t bother to tell people why we raise our hands in worship or pray out loud. They’ll either figure it out or go away.
d.When you notice an “I’m lost” expression on your new neighbor’s face while the pastor is preaching, lean over and whisper, “He’s in Deuteronomy, chapter 4 . . . just look it up!” That’ll be sure to rev up their desire to read the Bible.
5.Expect people to take on our values as soon as they walk through the door.
a.Snatch that hat off that disrespectful teenager’s head during service—even first-timers should know better than that!
b.Don’t be afraid to ask that young man why he’s got his arm around that young lady when he’s not wearing a wedding ring.
c.If unwholesome language is used and the Holy Spirit’s not doing His job of convicting people quickly enough, you step right in and do it for Him.
d.During election season, put flyers with who to vote for on all the cars in the parking lot whether people request it or not.
6.Keep God in the church where He belongs.
a.Isn’t it great the way all your non-Christian friends have dropped off since you’ve been coming to our church?! Pretty soon you won’t really know any unbelievers at all and won’t that be dandy!
b.Faith is a private matter, so don’t talk about it outside the church walls—you don’t want people to think you’re a Moonie, do you?
c.Sure, your unsaved neighbors keep asking you over for BBQ, but hey, you really should be spending all your time doing church things, so don’t cave.